After the latest attempt to stanch the flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico was plagued by “unfortunate setbacks,” BP intends to try a new method, a company spokesman said today.

According to BP, the spill makes Earth look “badass.”

“Unfortunately, the ‘side punt’ method was not successful,” BP spokesman Pete Roleum explained. “However, we are hoping that our next initiative, the ‘refrigerator bucket,’ will succeed.”

The ‘refrigerator bucket’ method involves using an underwater robot to lower a container full of refrigerators, known as a refrigerator bucket, to the depth of the spill. Once the refrigerators are in place, they will be simultaneously opened, releasing several tonnes of lightly seasoned chicken breasts into the area surrounding the well, which is currently hemorrhaging like a severed limb in a Quentin Tarantino movie.

It is hoped that the gushing oil will divert itself from the surface of the Gulf and go after the chicken instead, at which point another robot will lasso the spill in an attempt to contain it.

“We don’t expect that the spill will stop completely, but this method should result in a significant flow reduction, perhaps up to 4 percent,” said Roleum. He then added that the technique has been successful before, but it has not yet been tried at this depth, or with oil, or outside the extended Star Wars universe.

BP spokesman Pete Roleum.

Meanwhile, debate continues over exactly how much oil is being released into the Gulf. Independent scientists claim that it may be as much as 100,000 barrels per day, but Roleum contests this figure, saying that the amount of oil being released is “not that much, when you consider the size of your mom.”

“Whoooooa, burn!” he added.

Morgan U. Canhandle, BP Vice President of Environmental Policy, elaborated: “It’s like if I told you that last night I got really depressed and drank 10 litres of whisky. That sounds like a lot. But if I then told you that I mixed it like half and half with Dr. Pepper, plus I started drinking in the early afternoon and was up until at least 4 in the morning, and also I ate three or four Baconators to soak up some of the alcohol, suddenly it seems a lot more manageable.”

“If the refrigerator bucket method fails, several other methods are available to contain the spill,” said Roleum. “Among our options are ‘ocean drain,’ ‘sponge monkey,’ ‘flibble flabble,’ and ‘fuck it, let’s all just live on the Moon.’

—Associated Press

3 June 2010 — 6:23 pm